How I have been dealing with the lock down


Hello hello. It's day 45 of quarantine and I'm really aware that this post comes out of nowhere and it's probably more for me than anything else but I was feeling like writing down how I've been feeling lately.
I don't really know how to share how I've been feeling without sounding very stereotypical but since the lock down was announced and I had to stay at home every single day I've been feeling very lost.

I remember talking to my family back home before everything kicked off in the UK and telling them "oh come on, staying at home all day is not that bad! Think of all the things you can do", and a few weeks later I was sent home from work because we weren't allowed to be open anymore.

At first I was excited because I felt like it would be like a holiday. I was planning on doing so much. Reading all the books I didn't have time to read before, working out regularly, writing tons of blog posts posts, because I've been neglecting this site for a bit... but a couple of days later I started having the worst anxiety I've ever had in my life.
Not sleeping, trouble breathing 24/7 (just thinking about how bad it was it's making me struggle right now),  A LOT of crying and not wanting to do anything. I was forcing myself out of bed because I knew I had to try and keep a routine. There was a lot of uncertainty as well about if I would get paid or not, and  I still have bills to pay so that wasn't really helping. This went on for the first two and half weeks or so until I decided to start giving myself some purpose.
I started writing "to do" lists for the next day just to make sure that I had stuff to do. I'm going for a walk everyday so don't feel like a slug. And if I want to sit down and watch an episode of something, at least if I'm on my own, I try and sit on my desk so I don't end up laying down on the sofa and not getting up for a few hours. Baking, and giving away half of the things I baked because we're just two people at home and we can't eat everything. Just little changes.

Before, even if I was feeling bad I was still cleaning the kitchen, tidying the bedroom, watching a movie but everything felt like the biggest task in the world, even if it was supposed to be fun. There was this dread lingering around me all day, everyday. I'm not going to say it's not there anymore, but it is better. There is so much pressure on everyone, making people feel that if you're not doing something every second of your day, taking on new hobbies, learning new skills, etc... you're not being productive.
Productivity is not the same for everyone. I realised that when I started writing those lists I mentioned earlier, because I was prioritising self, something that I don't have a lot of time for when I'm working full time.

This post probable makes zero sense and it was super rambly with no conclusion but I hope people can take something from it.
There's one thing that everyone can agree on though, and it's that we're all in this together and we need to take of ourselves the best way we can so if you happened to stumble across this post, what is something you're enjoying during this quarantine?

And please, stay safe.

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